Who Likes Old Films Anyways?

Seriously, who likes old films? Chaplin, Keaton, Griffith, and Murnau. All colorless crap. No words too? How am I supposed to know what is going on?

Chaplin: the Hitler-looking, unamusing Tramp. His films are pathetic attempts at social commentary through dumb slapstick. And what does he sound like?

Keaton: “The Great Stone Face” or should it be “The Great Stone Head?” Not only because he was hit on the head so many times but his attempts at humor were truly saddening.

Image result for buster keaton

D.W. Griffith: the greatly overrated silent filmmaker. Racist and pretentious. One of the first filmmakers to utilize the close-up so we can see the actors’ ugly, colorless faces. Thanks a lot. Huge, elaborate sets that were wastes of money. Thanks a lot.

F.W. Murnau: the “great” German filmmaker. Expressionism, Kammerspielfilms, and melodramas? Pick a genre and stick with it. Also, thanks for popularizing camera movements like tracking shots, pans, and tilts. You influenced filmmakers that now give me motion sickness.

This is why I’m calling for a burning of all old nitrate film. Let us, as a society, rid ourselves of these outdated pieces of junk so future generations won’t know about these. On top of ridding ourselves of old silent films, we can give the nitrate film to people who truly need it to stay warm like the homeless. We must have future generations know that the beginning of film started with the special-effects filled films of Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich, and Jerry Bruckheimer. Because, who likes old films anyways? I DO.

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